Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
