My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
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