Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
