i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize