I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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