can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
