Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I have grass duct taped all over my body
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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