If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
