My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
wow bdsm is so cute
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize