My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
