Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
