Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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