I got chris browned last night
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
Randomize
