did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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