Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
