yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
