I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
So gin and wine won't be happening again
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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