And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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