Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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