Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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