Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
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