Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
