its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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