We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
50% drunk capacity currently
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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