I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
