There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize