I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
