She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
