listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
