this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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