Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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