and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
