It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Randomize
