they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Randomize
