You're my little dorito
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
