So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
