just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
