I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize
