I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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