literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
