i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
