Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
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