I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
