mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
