im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize