You're a womanizer and a bitch.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
