I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Randomize
