Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Randomize
