I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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