T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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