I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
