I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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