I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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