I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize