dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
