it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
