My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Randomize
