four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
